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CouplesLifeLine

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March 2012

Communication

All couples have problems with communication. • Communication is done through prosody, gestures, touch, facial expressions and intuition. • There are four taboos of communication: 1. No criticizing 2. No defending 3. No defending 4. No uncontrolled or vented anger • There are seven methods of communication: 1. Play Talk 2. Information Exchange 3. Casual Conversation 4. Intellectual Discussion 5. Problem Solving 6. Talking and Listening (The Dialogue of Intimacy) • Utilization of any of the above forms of communication contributes to quality time.

ADHD

Attention Deficit hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) is frequently the source of distress in couples.
• People with this problem have difficulty focusing on a subject (particularly when the subject is not of interest).
• The individual with ADHD might get up in the middle of a sentence and walk into the other room because they lack the attentional capacity to stay with the present interaction.
• Attention and memory are both executive functions of the brain meaning that the same brain region governs attention and memory so people with ADHD often have problems with memory.

Five types of issues

  1. Overlying Issue
    • This is an issue that is once removed from the surface issues
    • Examples are always and never, as in you “never” said or did it, and “cabin” no it’s a “ranch”.
    • The ways to deal with these issues are to redefine the words and in that way neutralize them or just throw out the issue.
  2. Surface Issue
  3. There are two kinds.
  4. Reality must be considered. Examples would be losing a job, death of a child, and a serious accident of disease.

Principles of effective communication

DO:
1. Be accepting.
This means to accept the other person exactly the way he or she is. We tend to marry fixer-uppers so we need to accept the person as they are when we enter the relationship.
Demonstrate empathy.
2. Be interested.
To really study that other person in order to UNDERSTAND him or her.
There are two major advantages to being interested:
1. It is the highest form of caring.
2. We are similar because of our unconscious choices and therefore we can learn about ourselves.
3. Be trustworthy.

Talking and listening

Talking and Listening

  • This is The Dialogue of Intimacy.
  • This method is not interactional. Each person stays in place for the entire time.
  • Talking means talking about feelings and listening means listening to feelings.
  • If this is not working there is criticizing and defending.
  • This is connecting.  All else is contact.

Three Kinds of Talking and Listening