Talking and listening

Talking and Listening

  • This is The Dialogue of Intimacy.
  • This method is not interactional. Each person stays in place for the entire time.
  • Talking means talking about feelings and listening means listening to feelings.
  • If this is not working there is criticizing and defending.
  • This is connecting.  All else is contact.

Three Kinds of Talking and Listening

  • Dynamic Listening
    • Other Listening is hearing what the other person says about her negative feelings or beliefs about herself in the context of that person with no reference back to self, without taking it personally.
      • The word “listening” here refers to listening to positive or negative feelings.
    • Self-Listening is hearing what the other person says about self with no defensiveness, retaliation or withdrawal.  Here one must listen until he or she has proven that the other person is RIGHT.
    • Another’s perception is his or her reality and must be UNDERSTOOD NOT ARGUED.
    • This is often confused with self-listening and is virtually never constructive.
    • Agenda listening is listening to the other person for purpose of gathering information to prove that that person is WRONG.
  • Dynamic Talking
  • Self talking is telling the other person about your feelings with no expectation back from that person other than that he or she will try to UNDERSTAND.
    • Here talking refers to talking about feelings.
  • Other talking is telling the other person about her with no criticizing, demanding or uncontrolled anger. This is for the purpose of giving the other person information about herself so that she can understand a disagreed upon perception.
  • This is often confused with agenda-talking.
  • Like agenda listening, agenda talking is generally destructive.
  • Agenda talking is the counterpart to agenda listening. This is usually like a lamb being led to slaughter.

An agenda talker should not respond except by becoming another listener.